A church had to hire a new pastor. Over the protests of one vocal male member a young man was hired as the new senior pastor. After the new pastor had been there a few weeks, a member of the congregation offered to take the new pastor fishing. The vocal objector reluctantly agreed to allow them to use his boat and to go along. The trio got into the boat and motored out on the lake. When they got ready to fish, they realized that all their tackle had been left on the dock. One of the men commented that he guessed they would just have to go back and get it. The pastor said that wouldn’t be necessary, and he got out of the boat and started walking across the water toward the dock. The old grouch said, “See, I told you we never should have hired that boy. He can’t even swim.
A minister, a boy scout, and a computer expert were the only passengers on a small plane. The pilot came back to the cabin and said that the plane was going down but there were only 3 parachutes and 4 people. The pilot added, “I should have one of the parachutes because I have a wife and three small children” So he took one and jumped. The computer whiz said, “I should have one of the parachutes because I am the smartest man in the world and everyone needs me” so he took one and jumped.
The minister turned to the boy scout and with a sad, yet sincere smile, he said, “You are young and I have lived a rich life, so you take the remaining parachute and I’ll go down with the plane” The boy scout said, “Relax Reverend, the smartest man in the world just picked up my knapsack and jumped out.”
Subject: Toot’n Tell.
The elderly priest, speaking to the young priest, said,” It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked. The front of the church fills first.”
The young priest nodded and the old one continued,”And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church so I supported you when you brought in that rock ‘n roll gospel choir. We were packed to the balcony.”
“Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest. “I am pleased you are open tothe new ideas of youth.”
“Well”, said the elderly priest, “I’m afraid you have gone too far with the drive-in confessional.
“But Father” protested the young priest. “My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that”.
“I know, my son,” replied the elderly priest. “But that flashing neon sign, “Too’n Tell or Go to Hell”, can’t stay on the church roof!”
Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of the church, listening to a fiery preacher.
When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the top of their lungs,”AMEN,BROTHER! When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, ‘PREACH IT, REVEREND!”
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, “RIGHT ON, BROTHER ! TELL IT LIKE IT IS…AMEN!”
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, ”He’s quit preaching and now he’s meddlin’
Two men crashed in their private plane on a South Pacific island. Both survived. One of the men brushed himself off and then proceeded to run all over the island to see if they had any chance of survival. When he returned, he rushed up to the other and screamed, “This island is uninhabited, there is no food, there is no water.
“We are going to die!” The other man leaned back against the fuselage of the wrecked plane, folded his arms and responded, ‘No we’re not. I make over $100,000. a week.” The first man grabbed his friend and shook him. “Listen, we are on an uninhabited island. There is no food, no water. We are going to die!” The other man, unruffled, again responded “No, I make over $100.000, a week” Mystified, the first man, taken aback with such an answer again repeated, “For the last time,I’m telling you we are doomed. There is no one else on this island. There is No food, there is no water. We are, I repeat, we are going to die Still, unfazed, the first man looked the other in the eyes and said, “don’t make me say this again. I make over $100,000. per week. I tithe 10% !!!!!!!!!!!!!. My pastor will find us ……”
A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. The mother-in –law dies. They go to an undertaker who explains they can ship the body home but it will cost over $5000., whereas they can bury her in the Holy Land for $150.00,
The guy says, “We’ll ship her home..”
The undertaker asks, “Are you sure? That’s an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here.”
The guy says, “Look, over 2000 years ago, they buried a guy here and three days later he arose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”
A man approached a little league baseball game one afternoon. He asked a boy in the dugout what the score was. The boy responded, “Eighteen to nothing, we’re behind.” “Boy, said the spectator, ”I’ll bet you are discouraged.”
“Why should I be discouraged?’ replied the little boy. “We haven’t even gotten up to bat yet!”
This boy was not intimidated by the other team. He thought big! Even with the oddstacked against him, he knew there was still hope.
One woman said: “A woman needs four men in her life: a banker, an actor,a minister, and a mortician. One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready,and four to go!”
There was a very strict order of monks and they had a rule that said that speaking was permissible only one day a year, one monk at a time. These were very obedient monks. So that year one monk stood up and said quietly, “I don’t like the mashedpotatoes here at all. They are too lumpy.” And he sat down.
A year later it was another monk’s turn. He stood and said, ”I rather like the mashed potatoes. I find them very tasty.” The third year came along and it was another monk’ turn. He said,” I want a transfer to another monastery. I can’t stand this constant bickering”.
Two young ladies were talking about their pastors and Clare said “My pastor is so good, he can talk on any subject for an hour.” Sarah said, ”That’s nothing. My pastor can talk for an hour without a subject!”
On the way home from church a little boy asked his mother, “Is it true, Mommy, that we are made from dust?”
“Yes, Darling” “And do we go back to dust again when we die?” “Yes,Dear”
“Well, Mommy, when I said my prayers last night and looked under the bed, I found someone who is either coming or going.”
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says
An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having justawakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."
Why not?" he asks,
She answers back "Because I'm dead."
The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another"
She says, "No, l'm.definitely dead."
He insists, 'You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"
"Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with terminal illness was determined to prorve wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you." After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and wlthdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan:
When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to Heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lauryer's wife, up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed wlth cash. "Oh, that old fool" she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."
A small town had three churches Presbyterian, Methodist, and Baptist. All three had a serious problem with squirrels in the church. Each church in its own fashion had a meeting to deal with the problem.
The Presbyterians decided that it was predestined that squirrels be in the church and that they would just have to live with them.
The Methodists decided they should deal with the squirrels lovingly in the style of Charles Wesley. They humanely trapped them and released them in a park at the edge of town. Within 3 days, they were all back in the church.
The Baptists had the best solution. They voted the squirrels in as members. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
1. Avoid riding in automobiles because they are responsible for 20% of all fatal accidents.
2. Do not sby home because 17% of all accidents occur in the home.
3. Avoid walking on streets or sidewalks because 14% of all accidents occur to pedestrians.
4. Avoid traveling by air, rail, or water because 19% of all accidents involve these forms of transportation.
You will be pleased to learn that only'.001%of all deaths occur in worship services in church. These are usually related to previous physical disorders. Therefore, logic tells us that the safest place for you to be at any given point in time is at church! Bible study is safe too. The percentage of deaths during Bible study is even less.
Websterville Baptist Chrurch
143 Church Hill Road
Websterville, VT 05678-0001